Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Weaving Unattached

Reposted from my public blog: http://cowgirlzen.com/weaving-unattached/ 
Today is the full moon, a lunar eclipse, the Blood Moon.  We are inspired  this moon by "Weaves the Web", the prototypical mother of creative and destructive forces.  Spider medicine is strong in this season and moon cycle.
Weaves the Web and grandmother spider speak to me of manifesting the divine in my daily life.  Increasingly, my heart's desire is to simply be a daily, living expression of the Universal Love that I can sometimes touch in my meditations.  Today's lesson to me is about the importance of creating and then letting go of those creations.
Why, if I weave with the conscious intent of channeling the divine, should I not hold tightly, as sacred, to what I create?
Because I am human.
Because I am human, I am an imperfect lens through which the light of Creation shines.  My weavings are inevitably distortions of the indescribable beauty I feel inside.  To become enamored of them is to attach to the distortion.  To love without attachment is to honor the creative force embodied within them.  To let go is to acknowledge the abundance from which they sprang and from which sufficiently more will arise to take their place.
Spider shows me that much of this world can interfere with my weaving;  Substances, such as drugs and even caffeine, cause  orb spiders to create distorted and dysfunctional webs.   My addictions, lack of self-care, ego, and character defects distort what I intend to manifest in the world.  Several species of poisonous spiders, such as the brown recluse and black widow, weave "disorganized webs", as if the poison that is their survival mechanism is reflected in their self-created environment.
A spider's web is not only sticky, but electrically charged, making it an effective filter for whatever is in it's environment.  From that I learn I must be aware of the environment in which I choose to weave.  What am I attracting to my web?  What am I bringing to myself?
Spider teaches me that destruction and renewal are essential for continued evolution.  Some spiders, such as orb-weavers, construct a new web each day, systematically destroying and eating the old one.  Not discarded or dismissed, but integrated into the next cycle.  As I grow toward wholeness, my creations become purer and more clearly a reflection of what is at the core of my being.  I must be willing to create, destroy and re-create if I am to answer my heart's call.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

My first hand (chin/elbow/shin/knee/neck) chance to work with She Who Heals

This is day two since my 'accident'. When I'm not dealing with aches and pains, I find myself amused at how life unfolds.  August New Moon comes in late evening Saturday and by Sunday afternoon I have taken a hard fall while getting on a bus.
I read the prayer for this month:
Mother, heal my heart so that I can see
The gifts of yours that can live through me.”  
I now get a chance to see how live this prayer in action.  First I did not acknowledge I had bleeding shins and knees (had on a long skirt that cover my injuries) and I did not want to take any help from the bus people or fill out an accident report (avoiding dealing with the bureaucracy.  When I got home several hours later I cleaned my wounds bandaged them and went to bed.

I look back and wonder, what was self caring, what was pride, what was needing to be in control, what was rational deciding?  Hmmm.  After my slip and fall, I did go to a nearby bathroom and washed my wounds with soap and water and got the bleeding to stop, so I wasn't in total stubborn mode.  The next morning I made an appointment with my health care practitioner and sure enough I have a nice whiplash, with all the corresponding symptoms.  So, I am learning to work a little, rest a little, go get treatments, work a little rest a little, go to bed.  Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.  For me this is a month for learning about caring for myself, and definitely for healing not only my physical injuries, but letting go of some old life scripts that are eating away at my productivity,creativity and joy.  

I have been making some changes in how I look at my life and the actions I take to live more in alignment with what I currently know to be the gifts I have been lent for this time in my life.  It's not unusual for some of us to have physical ailments or injuries following times when we take a step forward in our life.  For me, this is a time when I will find reasons to withdraw, go into hiding and retreat from my work.  In short, I have a physical ailment which is chance to shut down.  I think this happens because I don't take a refreshing breather at the end of a big step-but usually just keep plowing on,  Well, the whiplash doesn't allow this. So I'm going to go rest now!   

I'm wondering if any of you are having Healing opportunities?

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

A Share From Mary Z Story Teller and Loves All Things

Jamie Sams writes, “We will evolve no matter what happens.  Healing and growth may take many cycles of the Medicine Wheel, but she is willing to love us unconditionally thought all those Rites of Passage until we love ourselves enough to break the patterns of self-induced slavery.”

For a few months now, I’ve found it difficult to be grateful and focus on the positives around me.  My inner voices taunt me regularly.  These stories I tell myself are wrought with themes of estrangement, worthlessness, unloveablity.  A new story has surfaced… “Something is wrong with me.”  Now coupled with my standard “I am alone in this world” self-tale, the affirmative voices are drowned out by these shadow sagas. 

Yet, while on the call this week, I suddenly recognized that Loves All things July mother follows Storyteller’s June.  A spark of hope ignited.  Despite their lacking Truth, my stories of woe elicit “proof” after “proof” from my interactions with people throughout my life.  But if from storytelling we must move to loving all things… I can accept that I am a part of all things.  It was a sign to look beyond the stories, the truth can be found in loving.

I am not there yet, but if LOVE follows stories… I look forward to this chapter!

Jamie Sams writes, “In her wisdom, Loves All Things teaches us that we can find the joys of physical life, without trying to escape our pain through becoming addicted to false pleasures or compulsive behavior patterns.”

I have a pattern of diffusing painful situations with humor or flattery only to succumb to internalizing the hard feelings I could not express to another.  Carolyn talked about forgiveness.  If forgiveness is for the self, how does one forgive when the feelings come from within one’s own self?
I only recently realized how angry I was at someone who had taken advantage of me a few months back.  I feel I cannot forgive him without him understanding how hurt I was.  Yet tonight I was finally able to express my feelings in writing.  A weight was lifted when I wrote down the words.  Is that the healing feeling of forgiveness?

I become overwhelmed trying to figure out where I took the wrong turns in life that leave me so unhappy so often in the present.  Focusing on a current emotion and doing something about it fostered a lightness I have not felt in a while.  Can past sins be forgiven by breaking a few patterns in the present?

Jamie Sams writes, “Forgiving the self for being human…usually dissolved the anger instantly.”



Saturday, June 7, 2014

Bead Collage Medicine Wheel


 The bead collage medicine wheel continues to grow. There are now 6 sections, one for each moon cycle. I have temporarily closed the circle for the purposes of taking this picture and posting on the Moon Cycle Circle blog. This month I was particularly inspired by Jamie's story about little star brother and how "Forgets to Twinkle earned the name Lightening Bug." I added the red section at top with the large crystal to represent this story, to reflect our collective light. It reminds us to trust our ability to shine bright.  As we move through the next 7 moon cycles, I will continue to add beads and found objects to this piece.  I close this post with the lyrics and a link to a special song from the album Ancient Mother sung by artist Robert Grass & On The Wings Of  Song. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAJ6Lm3_jWU

May the Circle Be Open

By the Air that is Her breath
By the Fire of Her bright Spirit
By the Waters of Her womb
By the Earth that is her Body

May the circle be open but unbroken
May the peace of the [Clan mothers]
Be ever in your heart
Merry meet,
And, merry part,
And merry meet again.



Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Mockingbird's Song: A parable about listening to your soul

                Just before dawn, I heard cardinal song outside my window.  The clear trill was coming from the trees surrounding the pool.  I pictured the red bird in the rain-wet trees, on this unusually cool Texas May morning.  But the bird appearing in my mind’s eye was not a cardinal.  I was my familiar friend, the mockingbird.
                My scientist’s brain went into testing and verification mode:  Indeed, we have many more mockingbirds than cardinals in the poolside landscape.  There is one particularly vocal fellow who frequents the tree outside my bedroom window.  And as I listened, I heard other types of bird songs coming from the same apparent spot.   I concluded: Indeed, it must have been a mockingbird.
                I couldn’t help but wonder how I knew, before thinking it out, that the song I heard was an imitation of the real cardinal’s song.  I bet if I heard a recording of the two, I could not discern a difference.  Even real birds are sometimes fooled by the mockingbird’s song.  Yet, intuition gave me a clear knowing.  The same knowing took my mind a while to reach.

                The voice that directs my actions and decisions is a lot like this morning’s bird songs. 
                My ego, my small self, is a mockingbird.  It sings songs that help me to establish and defend my “territory” (who I think I am).  But in Reality, those songs are only reflections, projections and imitations.  They serve a temporary purpose, but do not reveal who I am at my core, nor help me fulfill my real mission in life.   When I listen to the voice of my small self, at best, I am listening to an echo of the Truth.  That voice may even direct me toward actions that are helpful and generous.  But in the end, such actions frequently leave me feeling empty, exhausted or used.
                Through the Grace of intuition, or through the conscious humility of setting aside my own small-self-will, I can hear the voice of my larger Self.  This Self lives in communion with all of creation, and maintains a connection to the eternal force I often think of as God.  Actions taken at the urging of this voice have a different energy than those directed by the small self.  This is true even when the actions are externally indistinguishable from those fueled by the ego.  Coming from a place of infinite connection and love, I am energized, not depleted.  Even when I inevitably fail to perform perfectly, these actions create good.

                The mockingbird sang to me an important message today.  My mind, my knowledge, can lead me down some false roads.  By opening to intuition and by practicing listening to my soul, I will be directed in the Right direction.  I will move toward wholeness.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Getting Ready for Listening Women Full Moon.

A client came back from a far away travel and brought me a stone!  She (the stone feels quite feminine) is pipestone red and covered with all kinds of marks and shapes.  Slightly to big to cover fully with my fingers when I hold her in my hand , different images peak through when I turn her over.  I feel blessed and know I have received some good medicine from afar!  And I also have another stone on the way to me courtesy of Lisa! These ‘gifts’ are part of a number of ‘listening’ reminders and invitations that have been coming my way over the last weeks.  It has been a struggle to REALLY listen.  I feel like a kid struggling to get out of the arms of a very strong parent.  I don’t want to stay still and stay present.  BUT I am aware I need to!  Does this sound similar to your waxing moon experience?  And I ask these two questions: How do we hear what is being communicated to us? How do we know what we are hearing is not ego, but Spirit?


Monday, April 7, 2014

Mary Z Shares on the April New Moon

3-30-2014:  We had a beautiful meditation this afternoon and I was keeping these thoughts in mind. Tonight as I walked back to my room the new moon sliver was so bright it illuminated the dark-side as well.  I felt it a good omen to see our darkest fears these next two weeks.  I hope your skies are clear at home to experience not only seeing the dark parts, but knowing that just that crack of light is enough to garner the strength and clarity to sit with our fears fearlessly.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Being Near-Sighted is a Necessary Precursor to Feeing Far.

I am feeling the teachings of Looks Far Woman already. I want to share a short post on some observations I had about myself following s short bout of the flu.  At least I named it as the flu.  Only after I had an internal argument with myself as to whether I was isolating, depressed, exhausted without reason, trying to get out of doing work, or paying the price for not taking my thyroid vitamins for a week. All of these possibilities brought up feelings of shame.  But when a couple of the unmentionable symptoms exhibited themselves, I gave over to the diagnosis of flu, and let myself be sick and take the day off (not without guilt).  What I saw when I looked carefully at my thoughts, feelings and experience, is that I don't have a ability to discern when I am getting sick or sick, from other feelings I think I might have, but shouldn't have.  I'm not going to go into my historical detail here-let's just say this is a long-standing pattern in my life, from childhood on.  I'm grateful that I have a therapist to take this awareness to-and to get some help in working it out and healing this unhealthy part of myself.  I do see on reflecting in these more hidden and shadowed parts of myself the cost it has been to my physical and emotional health to not be able to discern what my body is going through and what it needs--add to that the effects of shame on all levels of being.  So, my intention for these nest days is to look closely at these patterns-gently and lovingly of that part of myself, but firmly in that I am grounded in my intention and do not wish to shrink away from or hide these awareness back in the dark (not sure I could).  This close-up examination and exploration I do think will bring healing and insight and far-sight.  Love to you all.  Carolyn

Friday, February 14, 2014

February Full Moon

She seems so far away tonight.  Smaller than I've seen a full moon before, yet intensely bright.  Rays radiate from her brilliance.  I just stood and looked at her in this very silent winter night.  Until my feet got cold and I felt a nudge to go inside. Such peace I felt.  Such hope.  And even better:  a surge of excitement to keep going on my path.  My Path.  My Path.  The work I do on myself, with myself, for my own growth, healing, happiness and sense of being...If I do this for myself, honoring the process, I am also doing it for all creatures--and them for me, for we are all connected--because we are all unique.  If we weren't unique, we would not be connected, we would all be the same. No differentiation.  No boundaries. No growth. That is what I got from Wisdom Keeper looking down from her archetypal home.  I feel blessed for my life, and for the women here in this small but powerful circle who encourage each other to keep going--for all of us.  Much Love, Carolyn

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Moon Cycle Circle Bead Collage

Hello All - I am honored to be a part of this virtual circle. Over the course of the year, I am creating what I call a "bead collage " to document our moon cycle circle and my experience.  I live in Philadelphia so since its an hour later, I'm not able to listen to the calls in real time. Thanks to technology ( and Carolyn), I listen to the recording the next day.
After each call, I add beads, charms, and found objects. My aesthetic response is intuitive however I am guided by Carolyn's words/supplemental information, everyone's voices, and reading The Thirteen Original Clan Mothers and my intuitive  As we grow and learn together, so too will this piece. Thank you all.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Wisdom Keeper Enters the East

My morning's meditations on the first parts of Wisdom Keeper's journey:

Entering the cave, I accept with gratitude the experiential threads of many colors that have contributed to my personal tapestry.  Each teacher and lesson lives in me.  I carry them forward to be passed on; for good or apparent ill depending on my motives and state.  (but all resolves to good in the end).

I take my whole self into the caves of directions.

Entering East:  I embrace my male side--seeking clarity and enlightenment.  When I do so in humility and awareness of my unquenchable ignorance, I make space for Wisdom.  What speaks to me here is the recurring message of the uniqueness of each person's journey and the sacredness of that uniqueness.

I see the male side is the law-making side.  I feel the baseness of relying on laws and rules instead of softening into Wisdom.  How de-humanized I felt this week when my ex-husband resorted to the written rule of law to exert control, rather than cooperation and communication!  I feel reactive and defensive in the face of imposed rules.  I am closed to Wisdom.  How can I better be in Wisdom, when facing someone who is coming from a base of laws and rules?

Wisdom Keeper's whisper to me from the 13th moon circle of last year was "Be a non-threatening presence to others".  Perhaps keeping awareness of the sacred paths of others (ALL others!) will help me to avoid feeling like I have to block, alter or follow their path.  I can be less defensive and better able to open to Wisdom.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

February's Waxing Moon Thoughts


I am thinking these days about what it would look like to walk around all day as a wise women.  Currently, being ‘wise’ feels more like an awareness that descends upon me, or into me, and I either have wisdom, or I don’t.  Fortunately-the “I don’t have it” times are usually relegated to something going on in me personally, rather than in my professional work—which is a VERY good thing! And, my personal struggles certainly bring understanding and compassion to my work as well.

When I am not in my center, I don’t seem able access to wisdom—or it is very difficult to do this.  It is during these times that I feel separate from the person I would like to be.  For example:  I have a vision of myself as a writer.  I do write.  I have stashes of notebooks filled with thoughts and ideas.  But, I have not manifested being a writer as part of my external identity.  There is something that happens inside me when I set a plan for my ‘writer self’ to be active.  I get tired.  I get distracted. I feel anxious. I feel disoriented.  I feel VERY resistant to the act of writing. All these are symptoms of being out of my 'center'.  During these times, I am not aware Wisdom is available to guide or inform me. It was only when I sat down to write about my flailing around and feeling like such a failure all day that I was able put anything down on paper.  I gave over to the feelings going on inside. I stopped trying to stop doing what I was doing. I sat down and wrote all the X!$&#! I was feeling . (Good for you I'm not sharing that part).  I was able to write that stuff- I stopped trying not to be what was going on inside me.  I acknowledged and accepted my feelings. It was at this moment I felt an awareness--actually, I felt a kindness come in to my body, I think that this is Wisdom coming in.  

I feel I have learned a bit more about Wisdom: She is a companion and she is ready to inform my life. Remembering the advice from January's clan mother-listening with the heart, catching enough stillness to allow what is, is enough for Wisdom to enter. The waxing moon as she grows to fullness reminds me I have this capacity, too.



Thursday, January 30, 2014

Intro and welcoming the Wise Woman

I'm Sara.  I live on a ranch in Central Texas with my sons ages 12 and nearly 14, and husband Ralph. We raise grass-fed beef, and I also serve on the board of a public company, which is turning into my late-life career.  This is my second year in the moon circle, and third time doing the Circle of Self year.  I find I get more out of it with each turn of the wheel.


The more open I receiving to guidance, the more serendipity appears in my life.  In the past week, three major sources have urged me to take a look at my life history, my memories; to look for places where I am being triggered into unconscious behavior.  When the first of these (my Alanon sponsor) suggested that I spend a couple weeks going through my memories, looking for strong emotions, I was really resistant.  For me, gut-level resistance to a trusted friend's advice is usually a sign that I REALLY need to do it.  Then, looking at the upcoming cycle, I see the same theme to be the focus.  And if I hadn't quite got the message, I was listening to an Eckhardt Tolle audio-book this morning and he said "Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now.  And if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?"

Earlier this week, I attended a boy scout meeting with my boys.  They recently changed school districts, moving to be closer to their father, and we are now alternating weeks of custody.  It was my first meeting with their new troop; their Dad (and step-mom's) territory of friends.  I made a conscious intention to go in without baggage or defenses about being the outsider, confident of my ability to make friends.  Within minutes, an incident triggered my vulnerabilities, and I found myself reacting from the little girl, not the wise woman.

So, Carolyn's questions for the waxing moon are spot on for me.  I will spend the next two weeks probing my memories and watching my reactions.  Somewhere in my head, I hear the driver of the Night Bus (from Harry Potter) saying "Hang on, It's going to be a bumpy ride".

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

January Dark Moon Musings by Carolyn

Just a few notes on my experience of dark moon approaching.  I heard my negative self talk pretty loudly this week. You know, that part that never runs out of self-doubt.  The tape is so familiar, I can recite it myself without any cue cards--and in fact I often do.  "STOP!" an old friend said as I whined on and on.  And this friend IS old.  Probably in his 80's though I don't ask.  He suggested I write an amends to myself for all that put-down talk; write an amends to the Carolyn that put so much time into studying and working for her degrees and her license, and years of practicing and honing her skills.  Write to the Carolyn that commits to her purpose of supporting others in their quests for growth and health. Write to the Carolyn who wakes up with visions for creating websites and books and paintings.  I fussed with him about the idea, but I listened and I did it.  I wrote pages--and pages. Then I read them out loud and I made my self listen. Well, I didn't make myself--after all that writing, I WANTED to listen.
I did the Gestalt two chair exercise--the one where one part of you sits in one chair and another part sits across in another chair, and the person talks to both parts of themselves by moving back and forth between chairs.  I sat in the negative self talker chair and I read my amends to my professional, creative and inspired self. I read that what was behind all my talk  was the need for staying small (so I could be safer) and not getting made fun of, or attacked, or shamed or making a mistake (does any of this sound familiar in your life??).  I read out loud  to the Carolyn in the other chair about recognizing how much all this had hurt the me that had worked hard and long and for years. I said I would do my best to stop the bad self talk habit (an addiction?).
That was a couple nights ago.  Something has shifted in me.  My willingness  to write an amends to my self gave me permission to hear the part of me that puts myself down and holds me back and shames me. She/I got to talk and I/Me listened from the heart.  My wise old friend, it seems, is a male incarnation of Talks With Relations. Since then, the negative voice is almost inaudible-just a little squeak now and then-I'm using it as a reminder to wake up and pay attention to myself-recenter and refocus on the moment. And, with less background noise I can hear (I) inspiration and (G)guidance much more clearly.  If it hadn't been so frigging cold up hear in the western suburbs of Chicago, I would have sat in my hot-tub under the dark moon to give thanks and allow the lesson to settle even deeper within.  But it's really still pretty darn cold, so instead, I'm taking this dark moon opportunity to share a blog-post.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Welcome to the Moon Cycle Circle by Carolyn

With a desire to create connection and community this private blog space is a virtual circle where we can meet outside of our call time.  You are each invited as 'authors' to this site and can contribute as you wish.

This blog circle is place where we can share our thoughts and experiences as we move through each cycle.
We can post a 'selfie' so we can have a visual of each other. My resent version with our dog Molly:
We can ask questions.
We can share photos of our sacred space or photos of the moon as she shows herself.

How we can use this blog is unlimited to our circle and yet is is very private, being view-able only to those who are members/authors and have been invited by the administrator (that would be me).

My intention would be to post all the information for calls and for each month here as well.

What do you think?