Monday, April 7, 2014
3-30-2014: We had a beautiful meditation this afternoon and I was keeping these thoughts in mind. Tonight as I walked back to my room the new moon sliver was so bright it illuminated the dark-side as well. I felt it a good omen to see our darkest fears these next two weeks. I hope your skies are clear at home to experience not only seeing the dark parts, but knowing that just that crack of light is enough to garner the strength and clarity to sit with our fears fearlessly.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
I am feeling the teachings of Looks Far Woman already. I want to share a short post on some observations I had about myself following s short bout of the flu. At least I named it as the flu. Only after I had an internal argument with myself as to whether I was isolating, depressed, exhausted without reason, trying to get out of doing work, or paying the price for not taking my thyroid vitamins for a week. All of these possibilities brought up feelings of shame. But when a couple of the unmentionable symptoms exhibited themselves, I gave over to the diagnosis of flu, and let myself be sick and take the day off (not without guilt). What I saw when I looked carefully at my thoughts, feelings and experience, is that I don't have a ability to discern when I am getting sick or sick, from other feelings I think I might have, but shouldn't have. I'm not going to go into my historical detail here-let's just say this is a long-standing pattern in my life, from childhood on. I'm grateful that I have a therapist to take this awareness to-and to get some help in working it out and healing this unhealthy part of myself. I do see on reflecting in these more hidden and shadowed parts of myself the cost it has been to my physical and emotional health to not be able to discern what my body is going through and what it needs--add to that the effects of shame on all levels of being. So, my intention for these nest days is to look closely at these patterns-gently and lovingly of that part of myself, but firmly in that I am grounded in my intention and do not wish to shrink away from or hide these awareness back in the dark (not sure I could). This close-up examination and exploration I do think will bring healing and insight and far-sight. Love to you all. Carolyn