Talking to Myself. Listening to Myself, I Make Amends to 'Me', Feeling Deeply Touched in a Loving Way

Carolyn shares.  
My negative self-talk was pretty loud this week. That part that of me that is fueled by self-doubt.  This tape is so familiar, I can recite it without any cue cards--it's sometimes my go to response pattern. And this pattern often occurs after I have had a time period when I have made some positive change and growth.  I was sharing my self-criticism with an old friend. "STOP!" he said, as I whined on and on.  

This wise elder suggested I write an amends to myself for all my put-down talk--to write an amends to the part of myself that gave years to studying and working for her degrees and her license, and years of practicing and honing her skills; write to the Carolyn that commits to her purpose of supporting others in their quests for growth and health, and to the Carolyn who wakes up with visions for creating websites, and books, and paintings.  I didn't want to follow his guidance, but. I listened, and I wrote.  I wrote pages--and pages. Then, I read my pages out loud to myself and I self-listen. Well, I didn't make myself--after all that writing, I WANTED to listen to what my writing voice had to say. 

I read my amends out loud to myself. I read out loud what was behind all my talk was the need for staying small (so I could be safer) and not getting made fun of, or attacked, or shamed or making a mistake (does any of this sound familiar in your life??).  I read out loud  to myself of recognizing how much all my behavior and attitude had hurt the me over the years. I said I would do my best to stop the bad self talk habit (an addiction?). 

Something has shifted in me.  My willingness to write an amends to my self gave me permission to hear the part of me that puts myself down and holds me back and shames me. She/I got to talk and I/me listened from the heart.  My wise old friend, it seems, is a male incarnation of Talks With Relations. Since then, the negative voice is almost inaudible-just a little squeak now and then-I'm using it as a reminder to wake up and pay attention to myself, to recenter and refocus on the moment. And, with less background noise I can hear (I) inspiration and (G)guidance much more clearly.  

Self-Reflection:  Am I willing to talk with my self and speak ALL my voices?  How might I practice really listening to myself talk?