January Dark Moon Musings by Carolyn

Just a few notes on my experience of dark moon approaching.  I heard my negative self talk pretty loudly this week. You know, that part that never runs out of self-doubt.  The tape is so familiar, I can recite it myself without any cue cards--and in fact I often do.  "STOP!" an old friend said as I whined on and on.  And this friend IS old.  Probably in his 80's though I don't ask.  He suggested I write an amends to myself for all that put-down talk; write an amends to the Carolyn that put so much time into studying and working for her degrees and her license, and years of practicing and honing her skills.  Write to the Carolyn that commits to her purpose of supporting others in their quests for growth and health. Write to the Carolyn who wakes up with visions for creating websites and books and paintings.  I fussed with him about the idea, but I listened and I did it.  I wrote pages--and pages. Then I read them out loud and I made my self listen. Well, I didn't make myself--after all that writing, I WANTED to listen.
I did the Gestalt two chair exercise--the one where one part of you sits in one chair and another part sits across in another chair, and the person talks to both parts of themselves by moving back and forth between chairs.  I sat in the negative self talker chair and I read my amends to my professional, creative and inspired self. I read that what was behind all my talk  was the need for staying small (so I could be safer) and not getting made fun of, or attacked, or shamed or making a mistake (does any of this sound familiar in your life??).  I read out loud  to the Carolyn in the other chair about recognizing how much all this had hurt the me that had worked hard and long and for years. I said I would do my best to stop the bad self talk habit (an addiction?).
That was a couple nights ago.  Something has shifted in me.  My willingness  to write an amends to my self gave me permission to hear the part of me that puts myself down and holds me back and shames me. She/I got to talk and I/Me listened from the heart.  My wise old friend, it seems, is a male incarnation of Talks With Relations. Since then, the negative voice is almost inaudible-just a little squeak now and then-I'm using it as a reminder to wake up and pay attention to myself-recenter and refocus on the moment. And, with less background noise I can hear (I) inspiration and (G)guidance much more clearly.  If it hadn't been so frigging cold up hear in the western suburbs of Chicago, I would have sat in my hot-tub under the dark moon to give thanks and allow the lesson to settle even deeper within.  But it's really still pretty darn cold, so instead, I'm taking this dark moon opportunity to share a blog-post.