Pondering April's Dark Moon

In the borders of a manuscript that had been transcribed by a Celtic monk, probably in the 15th or 16th century this phrase was found to be written in such tiny script it was only legible with the use of a magnifying glass: "May I know what has hurt me.  May I allow it to come closer. May it become one with me."  These words came to mind when I pondered my experience of the moon cycle of Looks Far Woman, Jamie Sams clan mother for April.  

I have looked into the unknown and I have seen what has hurt me and I have allowed it to come close to me.  I have prayed it become one with me.  I have asked and have been invited to see what is possible for me.  I have asked this to come closer to me.  I have felt the energy of ‘this’.  ‘This’ feels almost too much for me.  I allow it to come closer to me and, I hesitate here, I ask it to become one with me. 

I feel as though I may burst out of my skin, that my being is too big for my body. Perhaps I keep my body is to tightly held for my being?  I want to make this energy 'do certain things' instead of allowing this energy to have my body 'do certain things'—my human being-ness to do certain things, to be a certain way.

I can see how this moves into the writing of where Spirit and Body unite in me—I have the experience this morning as I write of how spirit and body are coming together.  My spirit is the energy that flows through me.  I understand how it has felt too much for my body.  Is this really true that my spirit, my energy is too much for ‘me’?  NO.  I have come to understand what is  ‘me’ is really my soul energy expressed in my life experience(s), which is the experience of body-being and spirit being, me and more than me!  Me and union with others, and with the Creator of All That Is, of Great Mystery.  

I am more whole.  Yes, I am more whole because I am more able to be all that I am.  I am no longer in the place of ‘what can I be?’, ‘what can I do?’, who am I?’.  Now the questions are ‘What do I do?’,’ How do I do?’, ‘Where do I do?’, ‘Am I willing to be, do?’.    Today I am more whole than yesterday and tomorrow I will be more whole than today.  I now know that experiencing loss and letting go are actually necessary for me to become more whole and more of who I am.  I feel comfort now, rather than fear and angst when I think of letting go.  Letting go no longer feels like a loss.  It feels like the only way my hands can become free to receive—to take what Creative Source/Great Mystery is offering to me.