February's Waxing Moon Thoughts

I am thinking these days about what it would look like to walk around all day as a wise women.  Currently, being ‘wise’ feels more like an awareness that descends upon me, or into me, and I either have wisdom, or I don’t.  Fortunately-the “I don’t have it” times are usually relegated to something going on in me personally, rather than in my professional work—which is a VERY good thing! And, my personal struggles certainly bring understanding and compassion to my work as well.

When I am not in my center, I don’t seem able access to wisdom—or it is very difficult to do this.  It is during these times that I feel separate from the person I would like to be.  For example:  I have a vision of myself as a writer.  I do write.  I have stashes of notebooks filled with thoughts and ideas.  But, I have not manifested being a writer as part of my external identity.  There is something that happens inside me when I set a plan for my ‘writer self’ to be active.  I get tired.  I get distracted. I feel anxious. I feel disoriented.  I feel VERY resistant to the act of writing. All these are symptoms of being out of my 'center'.  During these times, I am not aware Wisdom is available to guide or inform me. It was only when I sat down to write about my flailing around and feeling like such a failure all day that I was able put anything down on paper.  I gave over to the feelings going on inside. I stopped trying to stop doing what I was doing. I sat down and wrote all the X!$&#! I was feeling . (Good for you I'm not sharing that part).  I was able to write that stuff- I stopped trying not to be what was going on inside me.  I acknowledged and accepted my feelings. It was at this moment I felt an awareness--actually, I felt a kindness come in to my body, I think that this is Wisdom coming in.  

I feel I have learned a bit more about Wisdom: She is a companion and she is ready to inform my life. Remembering the advice from January's clan mother-listening with the heart, catching enough stillness to allow what is, is enough for Wisdom to enter. The waxing moon as she grows to fullness reminds me I have this capacity, too.

Full Moon, Shining Light on the Spiral Path of Our Dreams

Sara's poem from the Full Moon Journal Page:

Spiral Path

of Evolving Spirit

Decisions made, lessons learned

I take my place

A Woman's Dream

Realized

Ponder This:

What are the decisions I have made about, in, and for my life?

My decisions have always been informed by my dreams, whether I have been conscious of my dreams, or not.

Now, I have the awareness to dream consciously.

Now, I have the option to realize my dreams.

How will I allow myself to be nourished so they may be realized?

PRODIGAL GODDESS

To return home,

to walk as prodigal into our own life.

Will we feast on our fatted calf?

Or mete our own justice?

To know the light, we must learn darkness.

We value most, that which is nearly lost.

Treat yourself with kindness.

Turn

and upon turning back,

Welcome yourself with open arms.

Embrace the cycle.

Hug your Goddess.

Greet yourself,

perfect in your imperfection

Originally posted by Sara on cowgirlzen.com

Intro and welcoming the Wise Woman

I'm Sara.  I live on a ranch in Central Texas with my sons ages 12 and nearly 14, and husband Ralph. We raise grass-fed beef, and I also serve on the board of a public company, which is turning into my late-life career.  This is my second year in the moon circle, and third time doing the Circle of Self year.  I find I get more out of it with each turn of the wheel.

The more open I receiving to guidance, the more serendipity appears in my life.  In the past week, three major sources have urged me to take a look at my life history, my memories; to look for places where I am being triggered into unconscious behavior.  When the first of these (my Alanon sponsor) suggested that I spend a couple weeks going through my memories, looking for strong emotions, I was really resistant.  For me, gut-level resistance to a trusted friend's advice is usually a sign that I REALLY need to do it.  Then, looking at the upcoming cycle, I see the same theme to be the focus.  And if I hadn't quite got the message, I was listening to an Eckhardt Tolle audio-book this morning and he said "Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now.  And if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?"

Earlier this week, I attended a boy scout meeting with my boys.  They recently changed school districts, moving to be closer to their father, and we are now alternating weeks of custody.  It was my first meeting with their new troop; their Dad (and step-mom's) territory of friends.  I made a conscious intention to go in without baggage or defenses about being the outsider, confident of my ability to make friends.  Within minutes, an incident triggered my vulnerabilities, and I found myself reacting from the little girl, not the wise woman.

So, Carolyn's questions for the waxing moon are spot on for me.  I will spend the next two weeks probing my memories and watching my reactions.  Somewhere in my head, I hear the driver of the Night Bus (from Harry Potter) saying "Hang on, It's going to be a bumpy ride".